Art Howard -- How to Get a Good Review

Published December 2001

How to Get a Good Review
By Art Howard

In the same issue this slice of sarcasm was published, I completely and repeatedly botched the title of saxophonist Jeff Coffin's CD in a review. I think there was some sort of karma at work.

Since I began reviewing music a few years ago, an amazing thing has happened: People all over the country send me fresh jewel cases for my CDs. My Led Zeppelin II case gets a crack in it, and some guy from Oregon, unsolicited, sends me a fresh box. The strange thing is that these fresh cases are always sent with a disc and artwork by some other band. Usually the disc gets a 20 second listen and, after determining that the music on the disc was surely meant as a practical joke, it and the artwork are tossed in the trash and Led Zeppelin II is happily placed in it's new, unscuffed home. It only recently occurred to me that these boxes and their contents were being sent in the hope that they might receive a favorable review in one of the publications I write for.

In all seriousness, it is painful to hear music that is instantly unlikable, yet you know the perpetrator has spent loads of time, money and effort to create and distribute this object that would find better use as a coaster if it weren't so gosh-darned slippery. Because it is so difficult to toss a hopeful stranger's artwork in the trash, it is best to do it as quickly and vigorously as possible.

It is an unfortunate fact that only a tiny percentage of us are capable of producing music that causes instant swooning in millions of listeners. The rest of us either realize our shortcomings and turn to being professional critics of other people's efforts or, for those who choose to plug on, we learn a few useful PR (public relations) skills to help make the wheels of the music industry spin in our favor.

To fulfill Relix's FCC obligations, and to work off some community service time I was recently sentenced to, I'm providing a quick PR primer that will help the aspirant musician increase his or her chances of getting a good review.

1.) Follow-up phone calls are overrated. I've always thought my college business communications professor could use a good tweak on the nose for urging her students to heap follow-up phone calls on potential employers. In the days following graduation I ran out the tape on several business owners' answering machines on her advice that, "You have to follow up and let them know you want that job!" Finally it occurred to me that I was looking desperate.

Likewise, it doesn't do your band one iota of good to send a reviewer a dozen e-mails and five phone calls to see if your CD is up for review. And you don't have to impress it upon us that you would like to be reviewed. That was obvious when we got the CD in the mail. One e-mail will do, or two, if they're spaced three months apart. Understand, your CD is buried under mounds of bills, coffee cups, and nose wipes on my desk. You have to wait until I get around to cleaning the desk off for the review process to even begin.

Don't be pesky. It's really not worth receiving a restraining order with your name on it to get a couple of paragraphs in this magazine.

2.) Awards mean nothing. Blues artists are always trumpeting that they've been nominated for a W.C. Handy award. As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever received a CD from a blues artist who wasn't nominated for a W.C. Handy award. As a matter of fact, my old aunt Sally once tooted after a plate of butterbeans and received a W.C. Handy nomination for "Best Instrumental" the next day.

While it was no doubt exciting when you won "Best Techno-Klezmer Band" at the Grand Rapids, Michigan local music awards - I don't live in Grand Rapids, and neither does anyone with the smallest degree of pull in the music business. Leave the awards at the door (unless it's a Grammy or Jammy) and let the music speak for itself.

3.) Let the music speak for itself. This redundancy has a purpose. Too often publicists, lost for what to say in a cover letter or band bio, heap on sentences like, "…the listener is treated to carefully-crafted melodies, dancing naked and unashamed with the group's sublime instrumental prowess." It's one thing to describe the music when the reader doesn't have a CD available, but such sentences are masturbatory when the reviewer has the CD in hand. Just tell us where the band is from and what their career highlights are, and we'll listen to the CD and decide for ourselves how naked and unashamed the music is. Maybe it should put it's clothes back on.

4.) Read the magazine before sending. I've been amazed to receive packages bearing my exact name and mailing address that have nothing in the slightest to do with the kind of music I review. They took time to get my name and mailing address right, didn't they also take time to figure out what sorts of music I cover? If you can be considered a roots rock or jam band, then there's a chance I'm going to enjoy your stuff. If you're doing death metal, I can hear the suckiness before I even get the wrapper off. It's that loud.

Know to whom and what you're sending your material to.

5.) Check for body hair. Packages contain a lot of tape, which might pluck off some of your body hair without you even noticing. I have to handle that tape, and the hair, when I open your package. This could have a negative influence on my enjoyment of your music. Please check all packages for body hair before sending them to me.

And that's it, folks. These are the tips that made megastars of your idols. I wish you much happy music making and many good reviews.

Send your hair-free packages to Art Howard at P.O. Box 998, Marietta, GA 30061. Even bad CDs are welcome when they're free.